I Love You

I'll never understand why a three word phrase made up of only eight letters can legitimately scare the crap out of someone. But the reality is it often does. People get in relationships and they start to decipher their feelings, and sooner or later they find themselves contemplating telling the person how they really feel. And this simple little phrase is the only one that carries enough impact. Telling someone you love them is a moment of honesty and vulnerability, and it is meant to be special.

When I tell someone I love them I do it because in that moment nothing else in the world matters. I can't think about anything else. My heart is beating so hard it could burst from my chest. My mind is racing so fast and it looks like a street filled with those flashing signs in Vegas. And it is the greatest feeling in the world when those words spill from your lips and you immediately feel relief because you can finally stop keeping it to yourself. But then there is the immediate panic while you sit and wait for them to say it back. And that's fine, that's just how it goes.

But where everything goes wrong is the moment when saying it or not saying it is done in an effort to please other people. When those flashing lights say "What would my friends think?" that is when you have a problem. This idea pretty much goes hand in hand with the "Isn't it a little soon to start dating again?" problem (see my blog about the cookies). The point is it's just not right to make a decision that isn't being made in our own best interest. If we all keep living our lives in an effort to please others, we will be constantly compromising what we want for ourselves. I don't know about you, but that sure doesn't sound like a fun time to me (and I've had quite a few fun times).

The bottom line here is no one knows your feelings better than you do. No one else should have the power to decide whether or not you tell someone you love them. If you honestly feel like that person means that much to you, then you have every right to tell them you love them. Scream it from the rooftop if you so do please. No one has the right to say when it is too early to tell someone you love them and quite frankly it is none of their business. And no matter how long you have been with someone, you should never feel pressured to say it until you are absolutely sure. You have a right to own your feelings and share those feelings as you see fit. So, tell that person you love them or don't tell them. But either way do what makes YOU happy. 

I Swear This Time I Mean It

I am notorious for falling hard and fast. I put my all into something and I see it through until the very end - even if the other person doesn't. There is no way to avoid the fear that comes along after countless heartbreaks and disappointments. Each and every time you have to convince yourself that this time it will be different.

And in this moment where I currently find myself, I can honestly say that I have never been so happy yet so terrified at the same damn time. And in a moment later when he'll be on the other end of the telephone he just might say the same thing if I asked him. We are reading the same word on the same page of the same book that both of us are willing to keep reading. And that is a commitment like one I have never known.

With him there is no honeymoon period. There is no month of bliss followed by months of trying to understand what the hell I did to make him stop putting in effort. With him there is no questioning how he feels. He reminds me every single day that I am a huge part of his world. My efforts to keep his head spinning are what keep his world spinning too.

He does everything he says he will. He is honest, kind, and humble. And although I know he has the capacity to hurt me like no one ever has, I trust him when he promises he never could. And because of all of this, he deserves to be treated accordingly. He needs to know that he is one-of-a-kind and therefore deserves a one-of-kind, once-in-a-lifetime love.

When a four letter word is supposed to encompass all of the adoration you have for someone, how is it possible not to feel the slightest bit guilty for having already said it to someone else before - even if you are convinced that this time it's "different"? I consistently ask myself how it can be done. But the reality is you can sit there and say the phrase on repeat until you are blue in the face, or you can wake up every day and show that person exactly why this time it is in-fact different. And that's exactly what I plan to do because I swear this time I mean it.

To Be Blunt

You know those little ice-breakers or self-awareness activities that require you to list out five words that describe you? When it's my turn, you will (almost) always find in all-caps: BLUNT. This constant desire to tell it like it is has always been burning, and it burns even more so now that I am (arguably) an adult.

Beating around the bush wastes time and energy that I don't have. I'd much rather tell someone an unedited truth than take the time to filter it down so much that it will barely resonate with them. This quality has become a source of confidence for me, and I prize it very much. The positive impact it has had on my life has inspired me to want to help others become more outspoken as well. I am always encouraging my friends to stand up for themselves when they previously wouldn't and to show them the positive impact it can have. 

I can honestly say that I have seen the damage that results from consistently avoiding conflict. You might think that being passive is the better way to go - "no drama" - but in reality that drama will often bite you in the ass later anyways. Conflict is what helps us learn from our mistakes and admit that we are human. And if you're avoiding tension in your relationships and even other social situations, you are restricting not only your growth as an individual, but also the growth of those around you. You are enabling people to avoid taking responsibility for themselves and their actions and hindering your own personal progress in those areas as well. 

Don't get me wrong - being blunt isn't all peaches & cream. Being blunt usually requires a level of confrontation that some people just aren't willing to consider. If you want to stand up for yourself and your beliefs, it will almost always come with a particular amount of resistance. But this experience is great. It helps you grow, and it helps you determine when you really do need to step out of your comfort zone and say something when you normally wouldn't. 

This quality also requires a level of empathy - you can't just run around saying hurtful things just because you associate them somehow with "honesty." Being blunt doesn't mean being a bitch. It's not about calling it like you see it just for the sake of calling something. It's not about insulting, belittling, or embarrassing others. Being blunt is about advocating for the truth because it will provide a greater benefit, not unnecessary harm. Being blunt is about being honest with yourself and those around you for the sake of benefiting the progress of your relationships, yourself, and society. Knowing the difference between being blunt and being a hand-full of other adjectives you don't want to be can go a long way.

As I Am, Not As You Wish

You don't have to "like" everything about someone, but if you're going to love them then you have to love all of them. You have to love their ugly cry, their nail biting, their boisterous laugh, and their annoying habit of drinking milk out of the carton. This doesn't mean that you settle for those things if they would normally be a deal breaker just because the person has additional redeeming qualities. It simply means that if you can't love everything then you'd be settling if you stayed.

Even in the most controlled dating atmosphere's like an online site where you fill out what you're looking for, you still are going to run into a few people that have too many qualities that bother you. But the goal is not to say, "Eh, they'll do." The goal is to find someone who has some not so favorable qualities, but you love them because all of their qualities, good and bad, intertwine to make them the amazing person that you admire and care for.

There is a huge difference between settling and accepting someone's flaws. Settling is NEVER the answer. Settling hurts you, it hurts the person being settled for, and it almost never works out anyways. So why waste the time? 

And for the people out there who claim they are willing to make the change - DO IT FOR YOU. Don't do it for the person who made you feel awful about it. Don't do it for the person who said they'd love you just a little bit more if you stopped the behavior. Do it because you love yourself enough to know when it is time to change - not because someone else convinced you that their conditional love was reason enough to. 

You should never have to change to please a person who claims to love you. The moment the words "I love you" spill from their lips is the exact same moment that they promise to accept all of your faults and love you FOR them, not in spite of them or because there is a prospect they will change. 

Don't get me wrong. We all have bad days when just about anyone is going to drive us crazy, especially our significant other. But if you can't seem to look past a particular quality, and if it is getting in the way of maintaining a healthy relationship, it might be time to call it quits. And if you're constantly feeling pushed down by your significant other for who you are, it is important to remember that you deserve better.

Take me as I am, not as you wish for me to be.

1 (800) 273-8255

I am not an expert on the topic. I have never experienced first hand its complete devastation and permanence. I can't even begin to imagine the pain that is felt when a family member or close friend chooses such an unfortunate path for themselves. Today is a day that is dedicated to world-wide suicide prevention. One day out of 365. But this single day could save even just one life of the seven billion people who walk this earth. And I think even that possibility, regardless of how small it may seem in the grand scheme of things, is worth writing this for.

I took a little stroll on the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention page, and I was shocked at some of the awful statistics I discovered. One of the things that stuck out so strongly for me is the fact that, as of 2013, Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death for Americans.The 9 causes of death that precede it are all health problems or accidents that are in some cases preventable, but in most cases are rarely preventable at all. Let that sink in for a moment...

Suicide is 100% preventable.

One of the most fascinating things I have found in the process of learning more about suicide and suicide prevention has been Project Semicolon. Writers use a semicolon where they originally may have chosen to use a period but decided to continue their sentence instead. In that same way, those who are effected by mental illness are encouraged to be the authors of their own future and decide to choose life over suicide.

Never forget that no matter how small you may seem in this world, no matter how immense your problems are, and regardless of your race, gender, sexual orientation, class, occupation, and so many other social classifications - YOU ARE WORTH SOMETHING. Your life has meaning and you have the power to use your struggle to inspire, encourage, and leave this world a better place thanks to your presence. Don't let yourself or anyone else make you believe that you should choose a period over a semicolon because your life is always a story with writing; you just might have to start a new chapter.

I don't want to sound like one of those infomercials for random lawyers and medical problems but seriously - If you or someone you know might be struggling with thoughts of suicide or mental illness, please don't hesitate to reach out for help. There are so many programs and projects popping up every day and everywhere that are ready and willing to help.

This is the suicide prevention hotline:
1 (800) 273-8255

Closing Time

Not every night out is the best night out, but you always stay a little later at the really good parties. And if you stay late enough, you are often subjected to the final song of the night. And as the song plays you reluctantly drink the last sip of your Natty, pull your friend off the frat boy, and take leave.

First comes the pregame. You prepare yourself for the night you're about to have. You throw everything you own on the floor as you try on outfit after outfit just to end up in the one your roommate suggested in the first place. Your skirt is so short it's having existential crisis and pondering it's existence because it is so mini it's barely there. You start your night off with your favs - getting pumped about the crazy night your about to have and taking plenty of pictures before your makeup melts off and you look like a hot mess. And then you venture out to find the perfect party.

Now you're at the party. You and your girls are sticking together to avoid any unnecessary contact with boys who don't know how to ASK first before attempting to rub their front-side on your back-side - also known as "dancing." You stand in the typical circle and dance around each other until one of you has one too many jello shots and then you just end up dancing ON each other which only interests the boys even more.

Now your at the "what-the-fuck-was-I-thinking" part of the night but you won't actually call it that until the next morning. Right now you think you're making the best decisions of your life. You climb on the table and dance - forgetting all about your invisible skirt, but who cares. You grab that boy who was a 5 earlier but he's clearly an 8 now courtesy of your third cup of jungle juice and let him ask for your number. You might even invite him home for cuddling - just cuddling. 

And the very bittersweet end is near. You know that it's time to go home. Your feet are so sore you can't even feel the pain anymore, your hair is in that messy bun from your 20th trip to the bathroom when you just said "fuck it" and put it up, and that 8 is a foggy 9 and you know that it's time to cuddle with him. And then it plays... "Closing time. One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer..." 

I honestly think that college is like one big, great night out. Freshman year is the pregame when you try to figure out who you are now that you've started this new chapter in your life. You try to find the best friends to spend the next four years with and you put your best foot forward. Sophomore year is the happy first half of the party and you're still learning the ropes. Junior year is the other half of the party when you've finally figured yourself out enough to know that she's boring and so you start to act out a little. And senior year is the the final hour when you realize you've had an amazing time regardless of any mishaps along the way and you're thankful for the memories. And then it plays some more... "Closing time. You don't have to go home but you can't stay here."

Carried Away At 1,000,000 MPH

Boys like him should come with a warning label: "You're about to get carried away. Hold on tight. Speed will be beyond calculation. Turns will be unexpected. Can and will end at any point without warning. Broken heart is highly likely."  Something about him made all the walls I had built collapse and I didn't know why; I just melted right in the palm of his hand. I wasn't even trying to meet someone, but once he came into the picture there really was no turning back.

Being with him was like moving at a million miles per hour. There wasn't much hesitation and I didn't really consider the risk I might be taking. It felt incredible to be with someone who I felt I could be myself around and who actually seemed to value me beyond something physical. Once we realized how we felt about each other, it immediately accelerated and there was no chance of slowing down.

Everything about our relationship felt like it was on fast-forward, and unfortunately things ended just about as quickly as they started. It seemed like his life never slowed down, and my presence created no exception. At first I admired his constant desire to live life in the fast lane, but eventually I realized how much he enjoyed being in that lane solo. I convinced myself that I needed to be more like him and to be more concerned with where we were rather than where we could have been going, but that didn't change how devalued it made me feel.

I realize that sometimes you have to be the spectator; cheering on your significant other while you sit in the stands. But the relationship shouldn't leave you feeling like you're always a second thought. You should feel like you are an essential part of their happiness and a valued part of their life. I let myself believe that it was okay because I thought it would change with time. I believed that eventually I would become as important to him as he had become to me, but he let me go and that made me realize I was wrong. And I can't blame him for letting go. I think if I was really who he was supposed to be with he wouldn't have felt like he needed to shove me in - he would have willingly made room without hesitation.

Sometimes things just don't work no matter how hard you try, especially when life throws a curve ball and changes the entire game. And that's just the way life works. Sometimes you can meet someone who you think is incredibly right at the absolute wrong time. But life doesn't slow down for anybody, and you better be prepared because getting carried away at a million miles per hour is no joke.