One Decade Without You

February 25, 2009. Ten years ago. A decade ago. I keep looking at the calendar in disbelief. I shouldn't be surprised or caught off guard. I know how calendars work, and time doesn't stop for anyone. But a decade just seems like such a long time.

A lot has happened in the last ten years. A lot of things that you've missed that I wish you hadn't. A lot of things you would have enjoyed, mixed with some you would have shaken your head at. I'll admit that the passage of time makes it easier to manage, but every year this day rolls around to remind me that you're still gone.

When you died I was on the verge of 15. I barely knew who I was, what I wanted, or where I was headed in life. You missed the crazy years. The screaming, crying, door slamming years. You missed the awkward conversations about the birds and the bees. You missed my first dates and major heartbreaks. You missed college move in day and graduation. You missed giving your blessing to the man of my dreams.

I stand here now, half a year from 25, and I while I look forward to all of the things that life has in store for me - part of me hesitates as I think about all of the things you've missed and will continue to miss as time passes. Walking me down the isle. Hugging your grandchildren and watching them grow. It's hard not to wonder how things might all be different if you never had to go.

But I try not to dwell. I try to remind myself that while every day passes with you gone - it's just another day that I should be living. Losing you enabled me to find strength in loss - to grow through things as they happen, rather than let them shut me down. So today doesn't just mark a decade of you being gone - it also marks a decade of growth and life that's been lived in your memory.

I love you & I miss you, Dad.

Fight or Flight

Relationships are complicated. They can be one of the most worthwhile parts of life. Pushing you out of your comfort zone. Giving you the opportunity to devote yourself to someone else, to love and be loved in return. Enabling you to experience a joy you would have never known if not for the other person you're sharing it with.

And then there's the darker parts. The parts we like to pretend don't exist. Arguing about meaningless things. Making mistakes that we swore we never would. Hurting someone who we promised we'd protect. Pushing that person out, pulling ourselves back, and pretending we never felt at all.

Like I said - they're tricky. And when conflicts arise that threaten our relationship, we can either choose to face the danger head-on, or we can run away. So when our relationships challenge us, do we stick around and fight for it to work, or do we accept failure and leave?

Either option is always available, but you have to ask yourself which outcome you'd rather live with. Staying can never be never one-sided. It takes two people to fight for a relationship that's gone wrong, and it won't fix itself over night. And as for leaving - it takes a lot of strength to walk away from something that was once everything to you. Leaving could mean never being able to come back if you change your mind.

Relationships aren't ever going to be easy. There are always going to be up's and down's. If our love was never tested, how could we ever know it's worth? But sometimes things just test us just a little too much and we're left with only two options - fight or flight.

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Wasting Time

Why invest in someone who isn't investing in you? I feel like a broken record because I say this so much, but seriously. I have heard so many stories of people wasting months, and in some cases years, on someone who just doesn't deserve it. 

The girl who will sit there just staring at her phone, willing it to go off. Waiting for a sign that she wasn't the only one who enjoyed that date last night. Or the guy who will chase after a girl who consistently ignores him and his efforts. Refusing to tell him that she's not interested because she'd rather keep getting his attention. Or maybe it's the boyfriend of the closeted guy who keeps saying that he plans to come out just to keep stringing him along. 

And honestly I just don't get it. I don't know if it's just influence from past experience or maybe it's out of desperation, but so many people waste time on the wrong people. They will continue to put so much energy into a "relationship" that is one sided and headed toward a dead-end. And a lot of the time they are completely aware that it's happening, but they just refuse to believe it. They tell themselves that somehow it'll be worth it. Somehow they will come around. 

When I look back on my previous failed attempts at dating, I can clearly picture all the times I myself wasted time on someone. I can't even tell you all the times I tried to convince myself that how I was being treated was "normal" for dating at my age. I'd try to be patient and tell myself that good guys are worth fighting for, but the issue was that they were never really good guys at all. I spent countless hours on the wrong people.

The right person won't make you wait days before they text you back (at least not without an explanation - and note: this is different than an excuse). The right person will not make you wonder where they stand or make you beg for reassurance. The right person will not give you any reason to believe that you are not worthy of love and affection. The right person will never make you feel like you're just wasting time. 

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The Heartbreaks That Never Happened

There comes a point in every relationship when you realize that either this person is your person, or they're not. If you're like me then you're lucky - because I have truly found my person. The only person who has ever felt right for me in every way. And no, it's not all perfect, it's just exactly what I need.

But that doesn't mean it wasn't an interesting road getting here. There are plenty of people who can hurt you until you find someone who cares enough not to. And it also means there are people who you won't ever be with (if you're doing monogamy the old fashioned way). There are probably some doors you walked by and never knocked on or maybe you did knock, but no one ever answered so you kept walking.

Perhaps it was that friend from class who you so shamelessly flirted with, but they never quite caught on. Or maybe it's that first date that never became a second date so you just stopped texting them back. The point is, there are always going to be those heartbreaks that never happened; those people who were just a faint blip on your radar, but never really became anything more than that.

And even while in a relationship as strong as mine, I can still contemplate those moments that passed me by. And though I never wish to go back or change anything, I can still acknowledge that they happened - that they were there and at one point I almost knocked on that door. (The key is not attaching a "what if" to those thoughts because that's another whole topic, and probably indicates that your search for your person isn't over)

But reflecting on your past can be important because it's gotten you to where you are. I have always been thankful for the heartbreaks I've experienced because I know I wouldn't be the person I am now without them. But I think I feel the same way about those doors that never opened too. Because when I think about where I am now and what helped me get here, those heartbreaks that never happened were just as important as the ones that did.

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IDGAF

Honestly - why do we care so much about what other people think?

We spend our whole lives trying to live up to not only our own expectations, but the expectations set by the people around us. We watch what we say, we watch what we do, and we watch what we think. All because somewhere there is someone who might not agree and belittle us because of it. We constantly try to please people who in many cases don't even deserve our efforts. But why?

Quite frankly I haven't got a clue. I've spent years caring too much about what other people think. I remember it being the worst when I was younger. Those years in middle school can really test your self-confidence, and then I spent 4 collective years of high school worrying even more about what everyone was thinking - or worse, saying. It wasn't until I got my first serious boyfriend when I started to realize just how judgmental people can be, but also how much I was learning not to give a shit.

Now here I am at 23 and as much as there are still days when I consider what others might think, I have realized that life is too damn short to spend any more than a few seconds giving a fuck about it. Sure, take some input from the people who know you best and those who care about you, but as for the unsupportive bastards who are just there to bring you down - screw it. If people really love you, they will stick by you no matter what. 

So instead of wasting time caring about what other people think, devote more time to self-love and appreciating the things that differentiate you from the crowd. Make decisions that you are proud of and say yes to things that make you happy (and say no to things that don't). And encourage your friends to do the same. Because life is so much more enjoyable when you can throw your hands up and say "IDGAF."

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Nobody Likes When You're 23

Here we are. Another year older. Another year... wiser?

I guess you could say 22 was an tough age. I learned a lot about myself. A lot about love. A lot about life. 22 tested me in ways I never thought possible. It brought me new challenges. Made me more self-aware of my faults, my weaknesses, and where my confidence had begun to waiver.

I started my first big girl job and learned what it's like to only have a life on weekday evenings and weekends, which doesn't seem so bad until you add in the exhaustion that keeps you from wanting to do anything but sit at home. I moved into an apartment with my best friend and adopted two kitties, the greatest highlights for sure. I continued to work on my relationship and all of the responsibility that comes with being the center of someone's world.

I have realized so much about myself at 22. I realized I'm not the same girl I was in college. And I realized that, in some ways, I miss her. I miss being the girl who was unapologetically herself. The girl who didn't give a rats ass what anyone thought. Here I've been, beating myself up day in and day out for not being that same girl. For not being as skinny. As funny. As driven. Or as confident.

I've changed into someone who has little patience, little motivation, and little time for self-love. I've let things bring me down that shouldn't. I've let people influence me who shouldn't have a say. I've let my relationship and friendships at times go uncultivated and unappreciated. And I've let myself become so stuck in this rut that I didn't feel like I could find a way out.

But I'm ready for things to change. 

So here's to making 23 my year. Here's to making changes, taking chances, and not taking no for an answer. Here's to saying yes to more adventures. Here's to standing stronger and finding my inner "that girl" again. Here's to falling back in love with myself, so I can put my best foot forward back into life. Here's to putting myself first, and taking the relationships I know I love and need back into the forefront.

So maybe nobody likes when you're 23, but I'm going to make this my best year yet.

The Balancing Act

When someone in your family or friend group enters into a relationship, it can be a testing time for everyone. Not only is this new person about to become a big part of their life (possibly against your wishes), but they're also going to be taking away some of this person's time that used to be spent with you. Whether it's a friend, a sibling, or even a parent- if you're relationship is close, it might be hard to adjust to at first.

Sometimes they're going to choose this significant other over you. And it's not because they are more "significant" than you, it just means they're significant enough to make sacrifices for. They just might not have as much time to give you anymore because now it's being split in another direction. I know what you're thinking - "Well, make time!" Unfortunately, there are only so many hours in a day (and truthfully I don't know anyone whose rubbing elbows enough with Father Time to change that). There is only so much a person can do to balance everything they have going on in addition to this new relationship and you.

Although it might not feel so simple, it really is a simple matter of time. When this person starts dating, it's possible they may only be able to give half the time they used to, or even less on some days. And sure it may feel awful, but that doesn't mean that they don't care or they don't want to spend time with you at all. It just means they want to spend time with the new person in their life too, and the only way to do that is to spend less time with you. And that's just simple math, not an act of disrespect.

The reality is, if you care about this person as much as you think, maybe it's time to stop griping about their lack of time, and start getting a grip. Change is inevitable. This person could be in their life for an indefinite period of time, and the sooner you start to understand their new priorities, the sooner things will start to improve. Taking things personally will only lead to them wanting to spend less time with you because they won't feel supported or understood.

So instead of getting angry, try to be more understanding. Have open conversations about how you feel, but also know that they may not be willing or able to do much about it. The amount of hours that they have in a day will never change, but your attitude can. It's all just a balancing act - and they're most likely doing the best they can, whether you think so or not.

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