Mr. Least Expected

People always tell me, "You'll meet someone when you least expect it." I always roll my eyes and accept their advice as if I haven't heard it a thousand times already since becoming single. I can't say it's been easy, and I won't pretend like I haven't seen or spent time with different people along the way. But nobody really stuck around long enough to leave a positive impression. Either they didn't want to make the commitment, or I didn't have enough interest in them to bother. At least, until now.

I'm kind of scared to admit that I might have found someone worthwhile. Someone who makes me nervous for all the right reasons. Someone who enables me to be the authentic, bold version of myself who I've grown to love so much. Someone who never tells me I talk too much, but instead loves the fact that I do. Someone who calls me endearing - an adjective with which I had never even considered to describe myself (truthfully, I didn't even know what it meant before I met him). 

Before this I had been having the worst luck with guys and quite frankly was sick of even trying. I had become so fed up with everyone and everything about dating that I just didn't see the point anymore. But then I met him, and I couldn't help but think to myself that he might be different. He's respectful, ambitious, and direct - something I'm not used to. I suppose at some point I admitted to myself that he's the Mr. Least Expected that everyone had been telling me about.

Now, I'm no stranger to the reality that this could all end up a big bust and I could run home crying to my mom, but at least now I know that the advice I had been given wasn't a total load of crap. I really did meet someone special when I wasn't really trying to.

There is no part of the advice that says that person will be "the one" or any other type of guarantee that might make you feel more at ease about starting a new relationship with someone, but it's not supposed to. What fun would life be if everything was guaranteed? So even if Mr. Least Expected becomes just another name on the list of Mr. It-Just-Didn't-Work-Out's, it's still wonderful to know I met someone when I least expected it.

Super Woman

I remember it pretty fondly. It was this old, navy sweat jacket (as my mom calls them - although most would yell at me and tell me it's a zip-up - whatever the hell that is). She used to wear it all the time. I remember one night when she headed off to work she didn't wear it and I curled up in it waiting for her return. It felt good to try on Super Woman's cape while she was off being even more super somewhere else. Although the sweat jacket became worn out, the woman who wore it is even stronger than she was the first day she put it on.

My mother is one of the most incredible people to which I can say I am related. She wins the award every year for most likely to tell you when you're being too selfish, settling for less than you deserve, making a dumb decision, or when you're doing all three at the same time (and she will proceed to prove how that's possible). She is right 99% of the time. And even though I only follow her advice roughly 70% of the time, she still openly provides it.

My mom lives by the motto "I'm not your best friend; I'm your mother." As I started getting older and we started to have a more adult relationship, I wanted to argue otherwise. I mean, she tells me when my lipstick is tacky, we laugh about what people in Walmart are wearing (or worse, what people think they can wear when they aren't at Walmart), we share stories, shoes, and clothes (some of which I don't think she always enjoys sharing, yet she does). I think somewhere along the line my mother seemed like a best friend, but I think it only seems that way not because she actually is a best friend, but because she's the best kind of mother.

She saves you when you need saving, but makes sure that you first try to save yourself. She won't help you with your homework until you've tried all of the other problems first because she wants you to know that one bout of discouragement shouldn't keep you from doing the best that you can. She doesn't rush to the store to buy your favorite food when you come home to visit because she taught you enough about independence that you've probably been eating it the whole time you were away. She treats you and all of your siblings equally, but not the same, and by the time you're old enough to recognize there is a difference you will also understand why she does it.

I have heard some of my mother's stories. I have been an eyewitness to many of her trials with which God has challenged her. And each and every time she approached them with such bravery and determination. I am sure she had moments of weakness, as we all do, but in the end she has been victorious and I could not be more proud to call someone of her character my mother. She isn't superhuman, just an amazing and beautifully flawed individual. She loves me, and whether or not we have always been able to get along there was never a doubt in my mind about that.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

He Won His Battle But We Lost Our War

She came into the equation before I even was able to acknowledge that she had. She quietly creeped into our relationship like it was a cracked door just waiting to be pushed open. She gradually took him away from me. I never even saw it coming; things just changed. I became the after thought while she directed his every move. I couldn't compete with her. She was alluring, powerful, and controlling. She was Depression, and I couldn't stop her from taking him away.

I still don't really know the whole story, and I know I never will, but I do know that depression effects more than just the person who suffers from it. My ex and I most definitely had a rocky relationship, but his depression made it all the more unmanageable. For a long time I tried to convince him that he needed help, and for a long time he ignored me and the same problems persisted. Sleeping through dates, skipping class, mood swings, poor health habits... Eventually it all became too much.

I couldn't sit by and watch the person I loved fall apart and not be able to do anything about it. When I met him he wasn't depressed; he was a happy, healthy, funny, charming, responsible, and driven college kid. As our relationship progressed I felt more and more responsible for the changes in his behavior. Believe it or not, things did improve toward the end. We started getting along better and he started being more like himself, but it just wasn't enough.

I had lost myself in his battle. I was so caught up in the fight that I forgot what I had been fighting for in the first place. And the resentment I had toward him overruled all of the love that had once been there and took it's place. All of the responsibility I had placed upon myself to care for him eventually took it's toll. I couldn't save him anymore; I needed to save myself.

I still battle, even today, with what happened while we were together. I don't know if I'll ever be the same person again; his depression changed me. At some point during the process, I wrote the following poem:

I would trade a forever alone for one more day of you and me

I'd give up my smile if it meant I'd see yours again

The real one, not the one you wear to try and hide your pain

I would take every breath and breathe it into your lungs

If it meant that you would start to live again

I would take every selfish thought and set it aside for you

I just wish I knew what you've been thinking

While you've been living life as someone else

Who did I fall in love with? Who has that man become?

I wish I could erase my memory even if it meant losing the good ones

At least then I wouldn't have to remember you as a liar

At least then I wouldn't fear that our love is a lie too

I would give every day I've spent with you up

If it meant you could be who you were before

If it meant you could be happy again, motivated again

The truth is I'm not strong enough to tell you this

I'm not strong enough to let you go

But deep down I'm afraid it might be the only way

Deep down I'm scared to death of losing you 

But even more scared to keep you 

What do I do anymore? Shh, keep quiet

My worries will only wake you

My confusion will only make matters worse

The silence feels worse when you're alone

Fighting a battle you didn't ask for; a war you didn't want to wage

But you chose your army, you chose the silence for yourself

You chose the secrets and the solitude

And in the end we all suffer

In the end I had to spill your lips for you to save you

But there was a piece of me who did it for myself

A piece of me who was sick of the secrets, the lies

I would not take it back if I could

So ask yourself, who did you fall in love with? 

Who has that woman become? 

Ask me yourself and I still couldn't tell you

I lost myself in your silence, I died fighting your war

And here I sit, still quietly fighting back

With words that will most likely remain unread

Like the thoughts you've locked away in your mind

Like the drive to live happily that you've so easily ignored

I remain ignored, I remain unhappy and locked away

But am I the one keeping myself there? 

I remain lost, I remain confused

Yet I still remain silent though I know words have always saved me

Why have I become like you? Afraid to speak

And even more afraid of what might be said in response

I used to be stronger than this

Who am I? What happened to that girl?

I will not fight for you anymore

I will not be your prisoner, forced to fight when you feel weak

I will stand you up and make you fight with me

I will not let you cower in a corner

I will not develop your bad habits or let yours remain

I will not remain silent

I will not choose secrets and solitude

I love you, I will always love you

But I can not promise you that if our love is your anchor

Holding you here in this place where you've fallen

That I won't let you go, because I will

I will only be your anchor if I'm keeping you safe

Keeping you held in a place where you know love

A place where you know happiness and motivation

I will help you through this

Even if it means I have to let you go

I didn't know when I wrote this that I was helping the man I loved fight through depression, but I know now. Finding this poem in my journal really helped me create the bridge between how I was feeling and the knowledge that he in-fact had depression. Gradually I realized that although I had been the one to help him through it didn't mean that I was the one meant to be with him thereafter. And I am happy to say that although our relationship didn't survive the process, he is surviving depression, and that is still something I couldn't be more thankful for.

Thank You for Being a Friend

As the end of the school year is approaching, I just want to take a second while I have all this energy from caffeine to thank a few people who have really been there for me this year. I know this won't be a comprehensive list, so if I forgot you I give you permission to write a nasty blog about me.

To my IATG girls: You ladies are the reason I am standing here today as a confident, passionate, and inspired woman. Each and every one of you has helped me become such a strong person and I honestly could not have done it without all of you.

To Shannon Gardner: Thank you for teaching me to embrace my womanhood and enabling me to embrace other women. You have inspired me in more ways than you know and I have no idea where I'd be without you. I could go on for days about you - but I'll just keep it at that. Love you.

To Liz Lyle & Hannah Russell: For the last 8 months you have put up with me and I am so thankful. Thank you for listening to me complain, letting me vent endlessly, and for pulling my head out of my ass when I think a douche bag is a nice boy (and for still loving me when I don't listen). You guys are such lovely human beings. And Liz, thanks for making my bed sometimes and being my mom even though I want to hit you for it at times. Hannah, thanks for always saying "Go to bed, girl!" when I complain about being tired. Oh, and for bringing home muffins from work.

To Jocelyn Smith: In the short amount of time I have gotten to know you, I am so thankful to have you in my life. You're so adventurous and crazy, and I love that about you. I am so sad that you are graduating, but I am also beyond excited to see where your passion takes you.

To Melanie Hlahol: We both know I could go on and on so I'll keep this short. You're always there to bring my head back down from the clouds and make me stop over-thinking things. You are such an amazing support system and I am so thankful to have you in my life.

To my homies Jamison, Karebear, and Kates: Thank you for making this long distance friendship thing so worthwhile. I love seeing your beautiful faces when I come home and I hope to soon see them here in Columbus visiting my ass. Love you all.

To my family (and that includes you too, Don & Brian!): Thank you for always driving my ass back and forth from Columbus. Erin, thank you for taking care of me when I was sick - I don't think it was just the tea that did the trick, but also a little sisterly TLC. Brian, thank you for treating me as if I am your own little sister. Jarrod and Colin, thanks for being the best pains in the ass a girl could have for brothers. Mom and Don, ya'll know you're the best so I really don't need to go on for days about that.

To my McFam: You guys have been there for me so much these last few years and I don't know if I would have survived work (or life) without you. You guys make pouring coffee refills and bagging food a good time. I'm going to miss all of you dearly this summer.

To anyone else who has crossed my path this year: Thank you for helping shape me into who I am meant to be, teaching me lessons, and for making this year of college my best one yet.

Insecurities Are Flammable

When you break up with someone and you let them go, eventually you realize all of the things you were missing - all of the things you wanted, but just weren't getting. The problem is the time that spans between that realization and when you actually find what you're looking for can really break you down. What creates an even more painful situation is witnessing the person you let go willingly give all the things they claimed they couldn't give to you to someone else.

The worst part is up until this point you felt like you took out the trash, but now you realize that trash is now someone else's treasure as it once was yours too. You find yourself staring at pictures wondering what she has that you don't, wondering what makes him want to give her all of those things that for you were just empty promises. You begin to question why you ever broke things off and you might even want to tell him how you're feeling.

You forget the fact that your relationship ended for a reason. You forget all of the things he did wrong because right now all you can do is miss the things he did right once in a while. The thought of someone else being in his arms makes you cringe, but you forget that's the very same cringe that made you leave when you realized how blind you'd been. You blame the struggle you've had finding something meaningful on this false hope that maybe what you had with him had been your something meaningful all along.

But the truth is you have no right to impede on his happiness. You can have as many opinions and reservations about it as you'd like, but you don't sit in a place that has any right to share them. You gave up; you let him go. And even if you have your reasons, no matter how great they may be, there will still be days when you fall back to old habits sometimes and miss those brief moments when he wasn't letting you down. But unless you plan on rekindling and maintaining the fire, step away from the matches.

Those days of insecurity are your matches. Those moments when you feel like begging him not to move on and to still hold you in his heart are the most flammable of all. But do him and yourself a favor - don't light that fire unless it's one you don't plan to put out. The truth is right now your life is just experiencing a drought - you're feeling lonely and you know he would be there if you asked him to stay. But once it passes and you have enough water - enough security in who you are and what you want - we both know exactly what's going to happen to that fire. And that boy may never see it coming and it may cost him the only person whose made him happy since losing you.

Let Cool 20 Minutes Before Serving

Everyone loves chocolate chip cookies (and if you don't... well, whatever). And most people - no matter how convincing the back of the box tries to be - don't wait for them to cool before they indulge in their ooey gooey chocolaty deliciousness. So if we can't even handle following a simple rule for cooling cookies that was decided for us by someone else, why should we follow society's dating rules that say we have to wait a certain amount of time after a break-up to start dating again? (Please tell me you knew this post wasn't going to be all about cookies...)

Dating is a lot like eating freshly baked cookies. We allow ourselves to enjoy the company of another person, we give ourselves to them, and sometimes we may even love them. And we don't always wait the right amount of time or maybe we indulge too much - but it isn't our job to decide the right time or how much is too much for someone else.

And don't sit there and pretend like you've never looked at someone and said (or at least thought) "Isn't it a little soon to start dating again?" Even I have thought it or said it at one time or another. But who are we to tell someone else when they should or shouldn't date? Who are we to dictate for someone else when they are "allowed" to move on with their life? The truth is we aren't, and our opinions about it need to stop.

In reality, we have no idea what someone's relationship was like. We only saw what they wanted us to see or what they could show us in the presence of others. Outside observers don't always get to see the details of other people's relationships (which is a good thing), but that means our opinions are garbage because we never have the full story. The person in the relationship may not even realize how unhappy they were until they get out of it, so how can you tell them that they have to feel sad and miserable when they may have spent the entire relationship feeling that way?

Even if someone walks you through every moment of their relationship, you still may not feel the same way they do about the situation because you didn't live through it and your perceptions about it will always differ. No person is the same and no person goes through things the same way. So when you try to create a mold for everyone to fit, it's never going to work. Don't be agitated when people don't fit the mold and do what YOU think they should be doing - be proud of them for doing what makes them happy and consider doing the same for yourself.

Car Rides With Mom

I think I have been given some of the best advice sitting in the passenger seat of my mom's car. In one trip to Target I could end up saying all the things I needed to say and hearing all the things I needed to hear. None of which would be possible without my mom (and her car, of course).

My mom tells it like it is. She never beats around the bush and she never simply says things to fill the space in conversation. She makes every word count and she never hesitates to share the cold, hard truth. When I'm away at school I don't get these talks as often as I used to, so once in a while it's nice to come home and get a little dose of my favorite medicine - car rides with mom.

Today's advice I heard loud and clear. It's not like it was something I hadn't already heard or didn't already know, but hearing it in that car seemed to let the reality of it all sink in. I think we could all learn a thing or two from car rides with mom. 

Lesson number one. Don't let love be defined by the way you feel in a bedroom. When all is said and done, the person you grow old with has to be more than just someone you're physically attracted to. It needs to be the person who is going to be there to help you do all the things you can no longer do on your own. It needs to be someone who you're going to love even when neither of you can express it in the same way you did when you were young and crazy. 

Lesson number two. It's okay to be young and reckless sometimes, but be cautious of the damage it may cause along the way. Don't assume that just because you're the one in the driver's seat that you always have your best intentions at heart because you just might not be thinking all that clearly. Don't let the repercussions control you, but don't let the freedom ruin you. 

Lesson number three. Don't ever settle. Don't let someone make you believe that they love you "enough" because you will always deserve more than that. Someone should love you for more than what you have to offer, they should love you for all that you are. 

Lesson number four. You can't love anyone until you first love yourself. I know we've all heard this a million times, but when it comes directly from your mom's mouth it seems clearer than it's ever been. You can't possibly give yourself to someone if you haven't even taken the time to figure out who you are and what kind of love it is you need. 

The list of lessons could most definitely continue, and I don't think it's anywhere near complete. I think for as long as my mother is in my life her advice will continue to keep me going. I know I don't always listen to it (even though I probably should), but I do appreciate it. Sometimes you should just drop what you're doing and get in that passenger seat because one day when nothing is making sense you're really going to miss car rides with mom.