Let's be real.We all have days that make us feel like life is one big joke. We feel like we are the newest zoo attraction on display and the whole world is just waiting for us to do something. We cry, we scream, we bury our faces in pillows and shove our spoons into ice cream. These strategies are just a temporary fix to the bigger problems in our lives that we either ignore or just haven't had a clear enough mind to uncover. Eventually you have to realize that nothing is going to change until your attitude does.
Sometimes you just get dealt a really shitty hand of cards, but complaining endlessly about them isn't going to put them in the hands of someone else. And as far as social media goes - posting for support is one thing, posting for pity is another. It's not right to expect the world to absorb your problems, especially if you aren't doing all that you can to combat them - attitude adjustments included.
You have to be willing to put your best foot forward and approach tough situations positively, and you can't do that if you're constantly focusing on the negative.
Learn to live by the motto: "Control what you can. Accept what you can't." Don't let something that you have no influence over regularly influence your life and your attitude. The more you sit around moping about what is going wrong, the less you will be appreciative of what is going right. You have to ask yourself if you're doing everything you can to make this situation better or if you're choosing to complain instead of taking action.
It's also important not to let your current situation keep you from doing the things that make you happy. Ask yourself, "When is the last time I *insert thing you love here*?" If you struggle to find the answer, maybe it's time you allow yourself space from the things that are causing you anxiety and give yourself the opportunity to embrace something you love. I know you want to make the excuse that you won't be able to enjoy it because of your other worries, but instead of simply refusing - do yourself a favor and try. You might be pleasantly surprised by your ability to put it out of mind and you might actually enjoy yourself for the first time in a long time.
Life is never going to be perfect. Not even the richest, the happiest, or the smartest people have it together 100% of the time. We always want to think our problems are the worst problems and that we don't deserve them, but you just have to remember that you are capable of overcoming them. In the end of it all you will most likely be a better person as a result of the difficulties you've faced, but for the time being just stand up and brush your knees off - it will all work out.
Monday, June 15, 2015
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
She's Caitlyn - Get The Hell Over It
If your son or daughter or any other loved one told you they're meant to be a different gender, they have feelings for people of the same gender, they don't have feelings for either gender, or any other possible feeling they might have that doesn't fit the category of "normal" - would you still love them? Would you still care for them the same way even though you have to define them differently than you did just moments before that conversation? What if you found out they never even had the courage to tell you and lived their whole life feeling uncomfortable in their own skin - or worse, what if they choose they can't live anymore as a result of the discomfort?
I spent my afternoon reading post after post trying to figure out why people really hate Caitlyn Jenner's transformation, her story, or the publicity surrounding it. I came across a few thoughts that simply just don't add up in my mind and I thought they would be worthwhile to address. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, which is why I'm sharing theirs and then giving my two cents.
1. "She's not a hero. Members of the armed forces - now those are heroes."
Hero (n.): a person who is admired or idealized for courage, outstanding achievements, or noble qualities. So you're trying to tell me that a person who stands up for gender equality and acceptance by sharing their transformation story after 65 years of feeling like they were stuck in the wrong body and their new-found comfort and confidence in the process is not heroic? I understand that there are men and women who fight every day to protect this nation - my own father risked his life too. But that doesn't make me unable to observe when others are being heroes as well. They don't only wear uniforms and carry weapons - they walk among you and I. They are activists, they are mothers, they are fathers, they are doctors and nurses. Heroes are everywhere. Just because you don't identify someone as your personal hero doesn't mean that they aren't still heroes to someone else. Anyone is capable of doing something great in this world and being a hero, you don't have to fight in a war to contribute to the progress of our society. She's a hero.
2. "Due to excessive photo-shopping of the Vogue cover she is going to make transgender people feel as though they need to look a certain way."
NEWSFLASH. Society already has high expectations of what men and women should look like. It doesn't matter what gender you are or if you identify with one at all - everyone faces these expectations daily. Her choosing to pose on that cover isn't so she can prove she's the hottest transgender woman, it's simply to say "Look at me world. I'm finally who I was meant to be all along and I am feeling great about it." Instead of commenting on what she's wearing or how much make-up she has on, look at that amazing smile on her face (even if it was touched up) and admire how genuine it is. Admire how happy this woman is to finally feel like she is who she is meant to be and allow it to inspire people. Don't try to drag it down just because it's been enhanced just like every other goddamn photo. She's beautiful inside and out, we all are.
3. "Another rich, famous person buying their way to look how they want. Another publicity stunt."
Oh, because if you were rich and didn't feel comfortable in your own skin you wouldn't choose to use money to help you feel better? Oh wait you wouldn't know unless you're her that's right. Let's be real, even if you are 100% complacent with your looks, if you had the opportunity to enhance them (or in this case completely transform them) let's not assume that you would automatically say no. You never know what you would do in someone's situation because you aren't them - plain and simple. God creates everyone in His image, but that doesn't mean by changing our looks we are defying God. We are simply becoming who we feel God intended for us to be. If that means getting a pair of boobs, then so be it. And as far as this being a publicity stunt you can just sit back down. The reality is, even if Caitlyn isn't doing this with a pure heart with the hope of helping society, she doesn't have to be. She is still creating a wave of inspiration that can't be denied. Just because actions don't always come from a place of selflessness does not mean they cannot still benefit others.
At the end of the day Caitlyn can now rest a little easier knowing she isn't a woman trapped in a man's body anymore. She is free to be herself, express herself as she pleases, and identify with the gender to which she truly belongs. Who are you to tell her who she should be? She's Caitlyn. So get the hell over it already.
I spent my afternoon reading post after post trying to figure out why people really hate Caitlyn Jenner's transformation, her story, or the publicity surrounding it. I came across a few thoughts that simply just don't add up in my mind and I thought they would be worthwhile to address. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, which is why I'm sharing theirs and then giving my two cents.
1. "She's not a hero. Members of the armed forces - now those are heroes."
Hero (n.): a person who is admired or idealized for courage, outstanding achievements, or noble qualities. So you're trying to tell me that a person who stands up for gender equality and acceptance by sharing their transformation story after 65 years of feeling like they were stuck in the wrong body and their new-found comfort and confidence in the process is not heroic? I understand that there are men and women who fight every day to protect this nation - my own father risked his life too. But that doesn't make me unable to observe when others are being heroes as well. They don't only wear uniforms and carry weapons - they walk among you and I. They are activists, they are mothers, they are fathers, they are doctors and nurses. Heroes are everywhere. Just because you don't identify someone as your personal hero doesn't mean that they aren't still heroes to someone else. Anyone is capable of doing something great in this world and being a hero, you don't have to fight in a war to contribute to the progress of our society. She's a hero.
2. "Due to excessive photo-shopping of the Vogue cover she is going to make transgender people feel as though they need to look a certain way."
NEWSFLASH. Society already has high expectations of what men and women should look like. It doesn't matter what gender you are or if you identify with one at all - everyone faces these expectations daily. Her choosing to pose on that cover isn't so she can prove she's the hottest transgender woman, it's simply to say "Look at me world. I'm finally who I was meant to be all along and I am feeling great about it." Instead of commenting on what she's wearing or how much make-up she has on, look at that amazing smile on her face (even if it was touched up) and admire how genuine it is. Admire how happy this woman is to finally feel like she is who she is meant to be and allow it to inspire people. Don't try to drag it down just because it's been enhanced just like every other goddamn photo. She's beautiful inside and out, we all are.
3. "Another rich, famous person buying their way to look how they want. Another publicity stunt."
Oh, because if you were rich and didn't feel comfortable in your own skin you wouldn't choose to use money to help you feel better? Oh wait you wouldn't know unless you're her that's right. Let's be real, even if you are 100% complacent with your looks, if you had the opportunity to enhance them (or in this case completely transform them) let's not assume that you would automatically say no. You never know what you would do in someone's situation because you aren't them - plain and simple. God creates everyone in His image, but that doesn't mean by changing our looks we are defying God. We are simply becoming who we feel God intended for us to be. If that means getting a pair of boobs, then so be it. And as far as this being a publicity stunt you can just sit back down. The reality is, even if Caitlyn isn't doing this with a pure heart with the hope of helping society, she doesn't have to be. She is still creating a wave of inspiration that can't be denied. Just because actions don't always come from a place of selflessness does not mean they cannot still benefit others.
At the end of the day Caitlyn can now rest a little easier knowing she isn't a woman trapped in a man's body anymore. She is free to be herself, express herself as she pleases, and identify with the gender to which she truly belongs. Who are you to tell her who she should be? She's Caitlyn. So get the hell over it already.
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Mr. Least Expected
People always tell me, "You'll meet someone when you least expect it." I always roll my eyes and accept their advice as if I haven't heard it a thousand times already since becoming single. I can't say it's been easy, and I won't pretend like I haven't seen or spent time with different people along the way. But nobody really stuck around long enough to leave a positive impression. Either they didn't want to make the commitment, or I didn't have enough interest in them to bother. At least, until now.
I'm kind of scared to admit that I might have found someone worthwhile. Someone who makes me nervous for all the right reasons. Someone who enables me to be the authentic, bold version of myself who I've grown to love so much. Someone who never tells me I talk too much, but instead loves the fact that I do. Someone who calls me endearing - an adjective with which I had never even considered to describe myself (truthfully, I didn't even know what it meant before I met him).
Before this I had been having the worst luck with guys and quite frankly was sick of even trying. I had become so fed up with everyone and everything about dating that I just didn't see the point anymore. But then I met him, and I couldn't help but think to myself that he might be different. He's respectful, ambitious, and direct - something I'm not used to. I suppose at some point I admitted to myself that he's the Mr. Least Expected that everyone had been telling me about.
Now, I'm no stranger to the reality that this could all end up a big bust and I could run home crying to my mom, but at least now I know that the advice I had been given wasn't a total load of crap. I really did meet someone special when I wasn't really trying to.
There is no part of the advice that says that person will be "the one" or any other type of guarantee that might make you feel more at ease about starting a new relationship with someone, but it's not supposed to. What fun would life be if everything was guaranteed? So even if Mr. Least Expected becomes just another name on the list of Mr. It-Just-Didn't-Work-Out's, it's still wonderful to know I met someone when I least expected it.
There is no part of the advice that says that person will be "the one" or any other type of guarantee that might make you feel more at ease about starting a new relationship with someone, but it's not supposed to. What fun would life be if everything was guaranteed? So even if Mr. Least Expected becomes just another name on the list of Mr. It-Just-Didn't-Work-Out's, it's still wonderful to know I met someone when I least expected it.
Saturday, May 9, 2015
Super Woman
I remember it pretty fondly. It was this old, navy sweat jacket (as my mom calls them - although most would yell at me and tell me it's a zip-up - whatever the hell that is). She used to wear it all the time. I remember one night when she headed off to work she didn't wear it and I curled up in it waiting for her return. It felt good to try on Super Woman's cape while she was off being even more super somewhere else. Although the sweat jacket became worn out, the woman who wore it is even stronger than she was the first day she put it on.
My mother is one of the most incredible people to which I can say I am related. She wins the award every year for most likely to tell you when you're being too selfish, settling for less than you deserve, making a dumb decision, or when you're doing all three at the same time (and she will proceed to prove how that's possible). She is right 99% of the time. And even though I only follow her advice roughly 70% of the time, she still openly provides it.
My mom lives by the motto "I'm not your best friend; I'm your mother." As I started getting older and we started to have a more adult relationship, I wanted to argue otherwise. I mean, she tells me when my lipstick is tacky, we laugh about what people in Walmart are wearing (or worse, what people think they can wear when they aren't at Walmart), we share stories, shoes, and clothes (some of which I don't think she always enjoys sharing, yet she does). I think somewhere along the line my mother seemed like a best friend, but I think it only seems that way not because she actually is a best friend, but because she's the best kind of mother.
She saves you when you need saving, but makes sure that you first try to save yourself. She won't help you with your homework until you've tried all of the other problems first because she wants you to know that one bout of discouragement shouldn't keep you from doing the best that you can. She doesn't rush to the store to buy your favorite food when you come home to visit because she taught you enough about independence that you've probably been eating it the whole time you were away. She treats you and all of your siblings equally, but not the same, and by the time you're old enough to recognize there is a difference you will also understand why she does it.
I have heard some of my mother's stories. I have been an eyewitness to many of her trials with which God has challenged her. And each and every time she approached them with such bravery and determination. I am sure she had moments of weakness, as we all do, but in the end she has been victorious and I could not be more proud to call someone of her character my mother. She isn't superhuman, just an amazing and beautifully flawed individual. She loves me, and whether or not we have always been able to get along there was never a doubt in my mind about that.
My mother is one of the most incredible people to which I can say I am related. She wins the award every year for most likely to tell you when you're being too selfish, settling for less than you deserve, making a dumb decision, or when you're doing all three at the same time (and she will proceed to prove how that's possible). She is right 99% of the time. And even though I only follow her advice roughly 70% of the time, she still openly provides it.
My mom lives by the motto "I'm not your best friend; I'm your mother." As I started getting older and we started to have a more adult relationship, I wanted to argue otherwise. I mean, she tells me when my lipstick is tacky, we laugh about what people in Walmart are wearing (or worse, what people think they can wear when they aren't at Walmart), we share stories, shoes, and clothes (some of which I don't think she always enjoys sharing, yet she does). I think somewhere along the line my mother seemed like a best friend, but I think it only seems that way not because she actually is a best friend, but because she's the best kind of mother.
She saves you when you need saving, but makes sure that you first try to save yourself. She won't help you with your homework until you've tried all of the other problems first because she wants you to know that one bout of discouragement shouldn't keep you from doing the best that you can. She doesn't rush to the store to buy your favorite food when you come home to visit because she taught you enough about independence that you've probably been eating it the whole time you were away. She treats you and all of your siblings equally, but not the same, and by the time you're old enough to recognize there is a difference you will also understand why she does it.
I have heard some of my mother's stories. I have been an eyewitness to many of her trials with which God has challenged her. And each and every time she approached them with such bravery and determination. I am sure she had moments of weakness, as we all do, but in the end she has been victorious and I could not be more proud to call someone of her character my mother. She isn't superhuman, just an amazing and beautifully flawed individual. She loves me, and whether or not we have always been able to get along there was never a doubt in my mind about that.
Happy Mother's Day, Mom!
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
He Won His Battle But We Lost Our War
She came into the equation before I even was able to acknowledge that she had. She quietly creeped into our relationship like it was a cracked door just waiting to be pushed open. She gradually took him away from me. I never even saw it coming; things just changed. I became the after thought while she directed his every move. I couldn't compete with her. She was alluring, powerful, and controlling. She was Depression, and I couldn't stop her from taking him away.
I still don't really know the whole story, and I know I never will, but I do know that depression effects more than just the person who suffers from it. My ex and I most definitely had a rocky relationship, but his depression made it all the more unmanageable. For a long time I tried to convince him that he needed help, and for a long time he ignored me and the same problems persisted. Sleeping through dates, skipping class, mood swings, poor health habits... Eventually it all became too much.
I couldn't sit by and watch the person I loved fall apart and not be able to do anything about it. When I met him he wasn't depressed; he was a happy, healthy, funny, charming, responsible, and driven college kid. As our relationship progressed I felt more and more responsible for the changes in his behavior. Believe it or not, things did improve toward the end. We started getting along better and he started being more like himself, but it just wasn't enough.
I had lost myself in his battle. I was so caught up in the fight that I forgot what I had been fighting for in the first place. And the resentment I had toward him overruled all of the love that had once been there and took it's place. All of the responsibility I had placed upon myself to care for him eventually took it's toll. I couldn't save him anymore; I needed to save myself.
I still battle, even today, with what happened while we were together. I don't know if I'll ever be the same person again; his depression changed me. At some point during the process, I wrote the following poem:
I didn't know when I wrote this that I was helping the man I loved fight through depression, but I know now. Finding this poem in my journal really helped me create the bridge between how I was feeling and the knowledge that he in-fact had depression. Gradually I realized that although I had been the one to help him through it didn't mean that I was the one meant to be with him thereafter. And I am happy to say that although our relationship didn't survive the process, he is surviving depression, and that is still something I couldn't be more thankful for.
I couldn't sit by and watch the person I loved fall apart and not be able to do anything about it. When I met him he wasn't depressed; he was a happy, healthy, funny, charming, responsible, and driven college kid. As our relationship progressed I felt more and more responsible for the changes in his behavior. Believe it or not, things did improve toward the end. We started getting along better and he started being more like himself, but it just wasn't enough.
I had lost myself in his battle. I was so caught up in the fight that I forgot what I had been fighting for in the first place. And the resentment I had toward him overruled all of the love that had once been there and took it's place. All of the responsibility I had placed upon myself to care for him eventually took it's toll. I couldn't save him anymore; I needed to save myself.
I still battle, even today, with what happened while we were together. I don't know if I'll ever be the same person again; his depression changed me. At some point during the process, I wrote the following poem:
I would trade a forever alone for one more day of you and me
I'd give up my smile if it meant I'd see yours again
The real one, not the one you wear to try and hide your pain
I would take every breath and breathe it into your lungs
If it meant that you would start to live again
I would take every selfish thought and set it aside for you
I just wish I knew what you've been thinking
While you've been living life as someone else
Who did I fall in love with? Who has that man become?
I wish I could erase my memory even if it meant losing the good ones
At least then I wouldn't have to remember you as a liar
At least then I wouldn't fear that our love is a lie too
I would give every day I've spent with you up
If it meant you could be who you were before
If it meant you could be happy again, motivated again
The truth is I'm not strong enough to tell you this
I'm not strong enough to let you go
But deep down I'm afraid it might be the only way
Deep down I'm scared to death of losing you
But even more scared to keep you
What do I do anymore? Shh, keep quiet
My worries will only wake you
My confusion will only make matters worse
The silence feels worse when you're alone
Fighting a battle you didn't ask for; a war you didn't want to wage
But you chose your army, you chose the silence for yourself
You chose the secrets and the solitude
And in the end we all suffer
In the end I had to spill your lips for you to save you
But there was a piece of me who did it for myself
A piece of me who was sick of the secrets, the lies
I would not take it back if I could
So ask yourself, who did you fall in love with?
Who has that woman become?
Ask me yourself and I still couldn't tell you
I lost myself in your silence, I died fighting your war
And here I sit, still quietly fighting back
With words that will most likely remain unread
Like the thoughts you've locked away in your mind
Like the drive to live happily that you've so easily ignored
I remain ignored, I remain unhappy and locked away
But am I the one keeping myself there?
I remain lost, I remain confused
Yet I still remain silent though I know words have always saved me
Why have I become like you? Afraid to speak
And even more afraid of what might be said in response
I used to be stronger than this
Who am I? What happened to that girl?
I will not fight for you anymore
I will not be your prisoner, forced to fight when you feel weak
I will stand you up and make you fight with me
I will not let you cower in a corner
I will not develop your bad habits or let yours remain
I will not remain silent
I will not choose secrets and solitude
I love you, I will always love you
But I can not promise you that if our love is your anchor
Holding you here in this place where you've fallen
That I won't let you go, because I will
I will only be your anchor if I'm keeping you safe
Keeping you held in a place where you know love
A place where you know happiness and motivation
I will help you through this
Even if it means I have to let you go
I didn't know when I wrote this that I was helping the man I loved fight through depression, but I know now. Finding this poem in my journal really helped me create the bridge between how I was feeling and the knowledge that he in-fact had depression. Gradually I realized that although I had been the one to help him through it didn't mean that I was the one meant to be with him thereafter. And I am happy to say that although our relationship didn't survive the process, he is surviving depression, and that is still something I couldn't be more thankful for.
Friday, April 17, 2015
Thank You for Being a Friend
As the end of the school year is approaching, I just want to take a second while I have all this energy from caffeine to thank a few people who have really been there for me this year. I know this won't be a comprehensive list, so if I forgot you I give you permission to write a nasty blog about me.
To my IATG girls: You ladies are the reason I am standing here today as a confident, passionate, and inspired woman. Each and every one of you has helped me become such a strong person and I honestly could not have done it without all of you.
To Shannon Gardner: Thank you for teaching me to embrace my womanhood and enabling me to embrace other women. You have inspired me in more ways than you know and I have no idea where I'd be without you. I could go on for days about you - but I'll just keep it at that. Love you.
To Liz Lyle & Hannah Russell: For the last 8 months you have put up with me and I am so thankful. Thank you for listening to me complain, letting me vent endlessly, and for pulling my head out of my ass when I think a douche bag is a nice boy (and for still loving me when I don't listen). You guys are such lovely human beings. And Liz, thanks for making my bed sometimes and being my mom even though I want to hit you for it at times. Hannah, thanks for always saying "Go to bed, girl!" when I complain about being tired. Oh, and for bringing home muffins from work.
To Jocelyn Smith: In the short amount of time I have gotten to know you, I am so thankful to have you in my life. You're so adventurous and crazy, and I love that about you. I am so sad that you are graduating, but I am also beyond excited to see where your passion takes you.
To Melanie Hlahol: We both know I could go on and on so I'll keep this short. You're always there to bring my head back down from the clouds and make me stop over-thinking things. You are such an amazing support system and I am so thankful to have you in my life.
To my homies Jamison, Karebear, and Kates: Thank you for making this long distance friendship thing so worthwhile. I love seeing your beautiful faces when I come home and I hope to soon see them here in Columbus visiting my ass. Love you all.
To my family (and that includes you too, Don & Brian!): Thank you for always driving my ass back and forth from Columbus. Erin, thank you for taking care of me when I was sick - I don't think it was just the tea that did the trick, but also a little sisterly TLC. Brian, thank you for treating me as if I am your own little sister. Jarrod and Colin, thanks for being the best pains in the ass a girl could have for brothers. Mom and Don, ya'll know you're the best so I really don't need to go on for days about that.
To my McFam: You guys have been there for me so much these last few years and I don't know if I would have survived work (or life) without you. You guys make pouring coffee refills and bagging food a good time. I'm going to miss all of you dearly this summer.
To anyone else who has crossed my path this year: Thank you for helping shape me into who I am meant to be, teaching me lessons, and for making this year of college my best one yet.
To my IATG girls: You ladies are the reason I am standing here today as a confident, passionate, and inspired woman. Each and every one of you has helped me become such a strong person and I honestly could not have done it without all of you.
To Shannon Gardner: Thank you for teaching me to embrace my womanhood and enabling me to embrace other women. You have inspired me in more ways than you know and I have no idea where I'd be without you. I could go on for days about you - but I'll just keep it at that. Love you.
To Liz Lyle & Hannah Russell: For the last 8 months you have put up with me and I am so thankful. Thank you for listening to me complain, letting me vent endlessly, and for pulling my head out of my ass when I think a douche bag is a nice boy (and for still loving me when I don't listen). You guys are such lovely human beings. And Liz, thanks for making my bed sometimes and being my mom even though I want to hit you for it at times. Hannah, thanks for always saying "Go to bed, girl!" when I complain about being tired. Oh, and for bringing home muffins from work.
To Jocelyn Smith: In the short amount of time I have gotten to know you, I am so thankful to have you in my life. You're so adventurous and crazy, and I love that about you. I am so sad that you are graduating, but I am also beyond excited to see where your passion takes you.
To Melanie Hlahol: We both know I could go on and on so I'll keep this short. You're always there to bring my head back down from the clouds and make me stop over-thinking things. You are such an amazing support system and I am so thankful to have you in my life.
To my homies Jamison, Karebear, and Kates: Thank you for making this long distance friendship thing so worthwhile. I love seeing your beautiful faces when I come home and I hope to soon see them here in Columbus visiting my ass. Love you all.
To my family (and that includes you too, Don & Brian!): Thank you for always driving my ass back and forth from Columbus. Erin, thank you for taking care of me when I was sick - I don't think it was just the tea that did the trick, but also a little sisterly TLC. Brian, thank you for treating me as if I am your own little sister. Jarrod and Colin, thanks for being the best pains in the ass a girl could have for brothers. Mom and Don, ya'll know you're the best so I really don't need to go on for days about that.
To my McFam: You guys have been there for me so much these last few years and I don't know if I would have survived work (or life) without you. You guys make pouring coffee refills and bagging food a good time. I'm going to miss all of you dearly this summer.
To anyone else who has crossed my path this year: Thank you for helping shape me into who I am meant to be, teaching me lessons, and for making this year of college my best one yet.
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
Insecurities Are Flammable
When you break up with someone and you let them go, eventually you realize all of the things you were missing - all of the things you wanted, but just weren't getting. The problem is the time that spans between that realization and when you actually find what you're looking for can really break you down. What creates an even more painful situation is witnessing the person you let go willingly give all the things they claimed they couldn't give to you to someone else.
The worst part is up until this point you felt like you took out the trash, but now you realize that trash is now someone else's treasure as it once was yours too. You find yourself staring at pictures wondering what she has that you don't, wondering what makes him want to give her all of those things that for you were just empty promises. You begin to question why you ever broke things off and you might even want to tell him how you're feeling.
You forget the fact that your relationship ended for a reason. You forget all of the things he did wrong because right now all you can do is miss the things he did right once in a while. The thought of someone else being in his arms makes you cringe, but you forget that's the very same cringe that made you leave when you realized how blind you'd been. You blame the struggle you've had finding something meaningful on this false hope that maybe what you had with him had been your something meaningful all along.
But the truth is you have no right to impede on his happiness. You can have as many opinions and reservations about it as you'd like, but you don't sit in a place that has any right to share them. You gave up; you let him go. And even if you have your reasons, no matter how great they may be, there will still be days when you fall back to old habits sometimes and miss those brief moments when he wasn't letting you down. But unless you plan on rekindling and maintaining the fire, step away from the matches.
Those days of insecurity are your matches. Those moments when you feel like begging him not to move on and to still hold you in his heart are the most flammable of all. But do him and yourself a favor - don't light that fire unless it's one you don't plan to put out. The truth is right now your life is just experiencing a drought - you're feeling lonely and you know he would be there if you asked him to stay. But once it passes and you have enough water - enough security in who you are and what you want - we both know exactly what's going to happen to that fire. And that boy may never see it coming and it may cost him the only person whose made him happy since losing you.
The worst part is up until this point you felt like you took out the trash, but now you realize that trash is now someone else's treasure as it once was yours too. You find yourself staring at pictures wondering what she has that you don't, wondering what makes him want to give her all of those things that for you were just empty promises. You begin to question why you ever broke things off and you might even want to tell him how you're feeling.
You forget the fact that your relationship ended for a reason. You forget all of the things he did wrong because right now all you can do is miss the things he did right once in a while. The thought of someone else being in his arms makes you cringe, but you forget that's the very same cringe that made you leave when you realized how blind you'd been. You blame the struggle you've had finding something meaningful on this false hope that maybe what you had with him had been your something meaningful all along.
But the truth is you have no right to impede on his happiness. You can have as many opinions and reservations about it as you'd like, but you don't sit in a place that has any right to share them. You gave up; you let him go. And even if you have your reasons, no matter how great they may be, there will still be days when you fall back to old habits sometimes and miss those brief moments when he wasn't letting you down. But unless you plan on rekindling and maintaining the fire, step away from the matches.
Those days of insecurity are your matches. Those moments when you feel like begging him not to move on and to still hold you in his heart are the most flammable of all. But do him and yourself a favor - don't light that fire unless it's one you don't plan to put out. The truth is right now your life is just experiencing a drought - you're feeling lonely and you know he would be there if you asked him to stay. But once it passes and you have enough water - enough security in who you are and what you want - we both know exactly what's going to happen to that fire. And that boy may never see it coming and it may cost him the only person whose made him happy since losing you.
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