Monday, October 26, 2015

I Swear This Time I Mean It

I am notorious for falling hard and fast. I put my all into something and I see it through until the very end - even if the other person doesn't. There is no way to avoid the fear that comes along after countless heartbreaks and disappointments. Each and every time you have to convince yourself that this time it will be different.

And in this moment where I currently find myself, I can honestly say that I have never been so happy yet so terrified at the same damn time. And in a moment later when he'll be on the other end of the telephone he just might say the same thing if I asked him. We are reading the same word on the same page of the same book that both of us are willing to keep reading. And that is a commitment like one I have never known.

With him there is no honeymoon period. There is no month of bliss followed by months of trying to understand what the hell I did to make him stop putting in effort. With him there is no questioning how he feels. He reminds me every single day that I am a huge part of his world. My efforts to keep his head spinning are what keep his world spinning too.

He does everything he says he will. He is honest, kind, and humble. And although I know he has the capacity to hurt me like no one ever has, I trust him when he promises he never could. And because of all of this, he deserves to be treated accordingly. He needs to know that he is one-of-a-kind and therefore deserves a one-of-kind, once-in-a-lifetime love.

When a four letter word is supposed to encompass all of the adoration you have for someone, how is it possible not to feel the slightest bit guilty for having already said it to someone else before - even if you are convinced that this time it's "different"? I consistently ask myself how it can be done. But the reality is you can sit there and say the phrase on repeat until you are blue in the face, or you can wake up every day and show that person exactly why this time it is in-fact different. And that's exactly what I plan to do because I swear this time I mean it.

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